Sunday, March 20, 2011

40 Days and 40 Nights. Without Poo.

People. I have seen the light. I can attest to the holiness of the convenience store camping diet. I was there at the right hand of Andy when NoreasterBC discovered that gummy bears and tuna mac weren't just for lonely bachelors any more. I was there when instant coffee and a box full of sugar packets became something more sacred than Starbucks, MacBook and The New Yorker on a Sunday morning. I was there when beef jerky and whisky became the new goodnight snack and glass of apple juice from Grandma.

What you're wondering now though is how on earth anyone could eat so much S@IT without blowing a gasket 10 miles into the back country and 20 miles from the nearest square of Charmin (and that creepy guy in the bottom of the New Hampshire outhouse). It's as simple as high school chemistry people.

Two words. Tripple point. With enough temperature and pressure a solid can change into a gas without passing through the ominous liquid state. If you've ever been to Boy Scout camp you know how to not poo for a week. You just didn't know how you were doing it (fear of scoutmaster/kabanna rape certainly played a part in keeping out out of the latrines, but that's not part of this example). Extrapolate and you've got a month. The theory is actually pretty simple.

If you follow the chart below, all the secrets to successful winter camping are revealed.

So, next time you're out in the wilderness after peak foliage and there's not a scrap of natural TP to be found, never fear. Chow down on those gummy bears and keep the basement fires burning because you're gonna need it. Remember. Temperature + Pressure = Gas. Aka fossil fuel. So fart it up. Because that's what winter camping is all about.


  1. Folks, this article is what happens when you spend a beautiful weekend on a stationery trainer and breathing in chlorine at the local pool instead of skiing the backcountry. Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be triathletes.

  2. here here to that comment, Andy :)